Wednesday, August 8, 2012

My Place is NOT in the Kitchen

I was not created to cook. I am terrible at it. Terr-UH-ble. I have a very very very select few (we're talking 5 max) recipes I can recreate successfully, and only because I've made them over and over and over and have messed them up enough times to actually get it right.

Let me give you an idea of how bad it is.

I used to be the assistant director of a day care. One day, I was put in charge of making lunch for all the kiddos. I don't remember what the main dish was, but one of the sides was mashed potatoes (made from a box in mass quantities).

I had never before in my life made instant mashed potatoes, not to mention on such a huge scale.

I tried to warn my director of my inadequacies, but she wouldn't believe me. I told her she would have to be extremely specific on the directions. In the middle of her instruction, she was called to the front desk and left me alone. In my panic, I begged for instructions--the water was about to boil and I was about to be in over my head. So she said, when the water boils, add the potatoes and just keep stirring.

At that point she walked away, not giving it another thought, figuring I was perfectly capable of making some instant potatoes. The water started boiling. I poured in the box of potatoes and stirred and stirred and stirr...and....sti..... At this point, my director came back and looked at my struggle then looked in the pot and exclaimed: "WHAT did you do?!"

The potatoes had turned into a brick.

Did I mention the box I emptied was a 5 pound box bought at Sam's, meant to last through multiple meals? And the pot that I dumped it into only contained about 2 quarts of water?

(Don't worry, my director managed to save the potatoes and lunch in the process, and I was banished from the kitchen from that point on.)

Don't think that's bad? How about this: every time I make scrambled eggs, I manage to somehow make them stick to the pan. Even when it's non stick. Even when I use cooking spray or olive oil. Every. Single. Time.

I burn toast (and frozen waffles). When I season something, I season the entire stove and the surrounding counter-top. I char meat on the outside, leaving it raw on the inside (yes, I know, I need to cook it lower and slower...). I think my main problem is my lack of patience. I can't stand waiting for water to boil or meat to cook.

I wish I had pictures to show you, but I don't, and the mention of me cooking something, just to demonstrate how bad it turns out is getting me some serious evil eye from the husband.

Speaking of him, he is a HUGE blessing, in that he likes to cook and is willing to pretty much take on that responsibility 100% Plus, I think he knows we'd starve if he didn't...

Phew. I feel better getting that off my chest.

What's the one thing you're not so great at, but wish you were?

Any tips for such a hopeless case? Pin It Now!

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